How this came to be
I’ve been thinking for quite a while about writing about my exploration of BDSM. I think originally I imagined this blog as a place to share some kind of accumulated wisdom, story tell and give an occasional hot take.
Wanting to have clear intentions before beginning (in life in general, in any kink scene) I spent a lot of time thinking about specific topics to write about, and why I would choose them. The more I thought about it the more I disliked the idea of creating formal ideologies or narratives that might infer I have some idea of the “right” way to do BDSM. It seemed dishonest to try to script things backwards, like I somehow knew all along that I would end up the irreverent sadist that I am today. The more I think about my own history the more I see it as a collection of experiments, a lot of mistakes, a lot of wandering around in the dark and a shit ton of personal questioning. I also realized after many many years of introspection I still have a lot more of it to do and this writing would inevitably be a process of furthering my exploration. For those reasons I don’t want to pretend to be a teacher or have anything figured out. I do intend to be as deeply honest as possible, to expose myself.
Moving in the Dark
Exploring BDSM is one of the ways to leave the room of “the normal” illuminated world to see life from a different perspective.
Enter the darkroom, move slowly, let your eyes acclimate, then slowly you can see there are others there.
If you are trying to look from the outside into this type of space you won’t see a damn thing, in the same way that i think you need to engage directly with BDSM to actually know what it is. You’ve got to be IN it to know it. In that way I believe it is connected to the mystical - not bc it is divine, but bc it cannot be explained completely through the typical rational pathways of thought and word. It must be engaged to be known. All this to explain that I’m not writing this for people who are kink curious, and I won’t be trying to break down or make sense or explain myself beyond what I feel is useful to others who are actively engaging in their own explorations.
My reflections also brought me to the fact that I can’t honestly write about BDSM without also writing about some potentially triggering things. Substance abuse, sexual assault, relationship abuse, death and mental illness are all wrapped up in this together. I’m not afraid to say I’m pretty fucked up in a lot of ways and that’s definitely part of why I like to kick the shit out of people (consensually) or get chocked to unconsciousness. I’m glad that the connections between trauma and perversion are being talked about more without the disclaimer of “healing” to try to justify them. I’m not here for healing bc I don’t really think it exists in the way it’s sold to us. I do believe in the cultivation of pleasure and the power of self knowledge and acceptance.
I also believe that being a victim (how I hate that expression!) of multiple instances of sexual violence and my exploration of that trauma is part of what has made me a good dominant. As BDSM brings us into the darkness of the unconscious where we we must move towards unknown desires, sexual trauma is it’s own dark and shadowy place of sex and pain where one must search to find desire again. I’m used to exploring dark places, and ive found there are echos and ghosts the move between these two rooms.
I’m not a therapist and I can’t tell you what you might find if you start to move about your own darkroom. What I do hope is that this writing might inspire you to ask your own questions that further your explorations and that you might find some of it horny and cool and funny. I also hope that you find comfort or at the very least company in relating to the things shared. To be in the darkroom together, moving slowly towards the shape and heat of our desires.
to make contact with something not yet known
More about me-
I’m a white, 40ish, non binary, femme presenting, able bodied person. I grew up in the rural North East US with working class, conservative, religious parents. I struggled with food and housing insecurity for most of my adult life before I began working professionally as a tattooer. Ive always been creative, sensation seeking and strong willed. I’m pansexual, polyamorous, switchy and am part of the leather community in Boston. My writing will come with the perspectives and limitations of my intersecting identities and attributes as a well as a lot of typos thanks to my dyslexia (that I would really prefer you not point out, thank you). I’m very open to hear your thoughts on topics to explore as well as any call ins/disagreements/aha’s/extrapolations/or things that feel important to share from what you read. I hope you find any amount of time you spend here useful to you, thank you for joining me.
xxx K